Alis Grave Nil

Saturday, 31 March 2012

Molly is Incapacitated

Dear followers, I am writing this post with one hand so please bear with me if it seems to be slow. I still can’t believe what happened to me the other night. Still half asleep, I decided to go downstairs in the middle of the night for a glass of water. I must have missed a step and went tumbling down and found myself at the bottom of the stairs. Managed to pick myself up again with aching left wrist and throbbing neck. Didn’t realise my wrist was broken and didn’t really fancy a trip to Hull Royal Infirmary (you go there to die!), so I went back to bed, with Roberto’s help and waited for daylight.

In the morning Roberto took me to Goole hospital as there was no way that I was going to Hull Royal. At Goole I was treated by kind and caring nurses and a doctor fairly quickly and was home by lunchtime. If it had been Hull, I would still be waiting for the dead-behind-the-eyes ghoulish people who work there in slow motion. It's too scary to contemplate. Holby City it ain’t!

Anyway, have since been back to Goole hospital for follow-up appointment.  Roberto and I got the giggles when the receptionist asked me what my ethnic origin was.  Wanted to say "black Irish" but they wouldn't have believed me, with my Scottish accent.  The nurse asked me what colour of plaster I wanted.  I could have had Barbie pink or purple.  What is that all about?  I am a grown woman aged 40-la-la, not a five-year-old child.  You will be pleased to know I settled for a sensible white plaster.  It won't clash with any of my outfits.  I was in and out of the hospital in just over an hour.  If I had gone to Hull, I would probably still be there, lying forgotten in the scary waiting area.

Sunday, 25 March 2012

Spring Forward

Did you all remember to put your clocks forward this weekend?  The Printemps household didn't.  I came downstairs this morning, thinking it was 8 o' clock, only to look outside and see Roy (builder) sitting dozing on a garden chair on our patio in the early morning sunshine.  He must have heard me pottering about in the kitchen and started to knock on the back door.  It was too late for me to hide.  I was still in my jimmy jams and dressing gown, no make up on and my hair was sticking up all over the place.  As I answered the door Roy said, "Where's Molly?  Oh, it is you."

He had driven here in his itsy bitsy teeny weeny Stuart Little red sports car to have a chat with Roberto about a job.  Roberto was still in bed snoring away, completely oblivious, so I ran upstairs and dragged him out of bed because I didn't want to listen to Roy geeking me out about what he could do on his computer (it's state-of-the-art apparently). 

They are still working on Shaz's barn conversion so they were discussing what they were going to get up to when Shaz goes on holiday.  The little mice will play (Roy = Stuart Little).  I overheard them talking about patio furniture so possibly they are planning an illicit BBQ in between laying the wood floor. 

Talking of putting the clocks forward reminds me of the time my late mother-in-law, Beatrice Printemps, put them forward, only she did it in the autumn when they should have gone back an hour.  We were going for Sunday dinner at 3pm and she phoned at 1pm in a panic and very annoyed saying "Where are you, it's 3 o' clock and the dinner will be ruined?"  I said "Beatrice, it's only 1 o' clock."  She replied "No, it's 3 o' clock.  I've been watching the news on TV and they've got it wrong as well."

Anyway, must dash and put the clocks forward before I forget. 

Sunday, 11 March 2012

On Hell Being Other People at B&Q

On Saturday Roberto and I had a little trip into B&Q.  It's not my favourite place to be but we had to buy some wallpaper to get on with the never-ending decorating in our house.  We found some nice wallpaper and got everything else that we needed and then went to the checkouts to pay.  It's a huge B&Q and there were only three tills open.  There were crowds of people queuing and, being typically British, did not complain.  I noticed that one queue was smaller than the others but there was a girl standing in the middle of two checkouts holding a plant pot.  I said "Excuse me, are you in this queue?"  Before she had a chance to answer, this big rough looking woman in front of her with straw hair growled, "We're all just waiting to see which one empties first."  Being typically British myself, I said nothing and went to the back of the queue.  I should have said to her "You can't be in two queues at once," but she was big and scary looking so I kept quiet. 

Anyway, we eventually got nearer to the tills and the people in front of us were just about to pay when there was a query about a bar code.  The checkout girl had to ring a bell for a supervisor to come over and then he had to go and find the price at the other end of this huge store.  We started to lose the will to live so I said "Let's go," to Roberto and we went to the next till.  Well, we were standing behind someone with a huge trolley of plants and garden stuff and the 12 year old boy who was serving them had a query about a price and was on the phone to someone (probably his mother) trying to sort out the problem.  Roberto and I both said at the same time, "Come on, let's go."  We went back to the wallpaper department and put everything back and ran for the hills. 

The thing is, this happens to us every time we go to B&Q so I have told Roberto that I am never going there again, unless it is a matter of life or death.  We went to Homebase instead.  It was a much more positive and pleasant experience. 

The moral of the story is, don't put up with crap service any more, even if you are British!

Wednesday, 7 March 2012

The Builders and the Full Moon

I don't know if you've noticed before but on the run up to a full moon, there is usually a bit of chaos or strange happenings in everyone's lives.  With me, I usually meet strange people who are badly affected by the full moon and only come out on a full moon week.  I seem to attract them.

My husband, Roberto, and Roy the builder and others are still working on the same barn conversion.  Their full moon week has gone a little bit like this:-


Big Shaz, the barn owner upsets Roy by saying he's not happy with the way the building job is going.  It's just not quick enough. 

Roy phones Roberto and is whinging down the phone, while glugging a bottle of red wine, for an hour on Monday evening, and is very upset.


Big Shaz tells Roberto that Roy is very upset with him.  Roberto then sees them shaking hands - they've kissed and made up. It's now back to being best of friends again. 

Big Shaz then proceeds to upset the neighbour, Mrs Tesco Advert Man, who has just been to the station to collect Mr Tesco Advert Man and came home to find some of her drive had been dug up for Big Shaz's water pipes.  Raised voices are heard.  Big Shaz comes back into the barn. 

Tesco Advert Man follows him into the barn - sunglasses on, trendy bomber jacket and stomach hanging out, saying "You've just insulted my wife."  Big Shaz goes to apologise, comes back cursing. 

Plasterer is then heard cursing the plumber for not sorting out the pipes properly so he can plaster.  Then he is cursing the electrician for not sorting out his wires properly and proceeds to plaster over them. 


Roberto asks Big Shaz (he big doctor) to look at his leg because his knee is swollen.  Big Shaz says he needs a scan.  Roberto says "Fluff off, you only know about stomachs anyway."

The plasterer's young assistant, on seeing Mr and Mrs Tesco Advert drive past in their big car:

"Chuffin' hell, that bloke looks just like the bloke on The Full Monty."

Plasterer: "It is him, you muppet!"

Don't worry, mes amis, it will all be over after Thursday's full moon, with any luck.

A bientot.