I Predict a Riot

Apologies in advance for any sweary words but I think they are an important part of the post and are not intended to cause offence.

Mollykins


ALEX SALMOND:  Whit!  They voted YES?  Jesus Christ! WTF are we going to do now Nicola? You're my right hand man, you think of something.

NICOLA STURGEON: How the fluff should I know what to do, you great fat chubber.  I've been telling the fooking media that we can keep the fooking pound.  I've said it that many times, I even convinced myself.  How do we explain to the Scottish people that we have to invent our own currency?  Their savings and pensions will become groats...or worse...Euros, for fluff sake.  

 

ALEX SALMOND: (head in hands).  That pillock, Cameron will turn the money taps off now and we'll be doomed.  I honestly thought they'd vote NO and we'd get more money sent up from England, like those three clowns promised.  I had planned on giving people on benefits a pay rise on the strength of that. Christ, I even had my "magnanimous in defeat" speech ready. 

 

NICOLA STURGEON: F***wit!

 

ALEX SALMOND: Anyway, Nicola, we have to go out there and face the media now so stop greetin' and tidy up yer face for the cameras.

 

NICOLA STURGEON: I am NOT greeting Alex, I've just got something in my eye.  You sort out your own fat face.

 

A lackey enters the room: It's time for the Press Conference now. 

 

ALEX SALMOND:  Aye, we're ready. Let's go and face the Press Nicola. Happy face on now.

 

As they enter the Press Conference, there are loud cheers all round.  A smiling Alex Salmond and Nicola Sturgeon wave and shake hands with the supporters and eventually it quietens down, ready for the speeches. Alex Salmond shakes his jowls and begins....

 

ALEX SALMOND: What a magnificent day for Scotland!

Yes or No? Do we Really Care?

...and tell our enemies that they may take our lives
but they will never take our FREEEEEEDOM!!

 



I happened to be earwigging overhear a conversation in our local Morrison's supermarket the other day.  The lady at the checkout had asked an elderly Scottish gentleman what he thought about Scottish Independence.  Big mistake!  Huge mistake!  The old b****d went off on one, complaining that he didn't get to vote because he lived in England and he had written to our local MP, David Davis, to ask him to do something about it.  The poor wee checkout lady looked a bit flummoxed by his outburst.  It transpired (I was still earwigging at this point) that this elderly Scottish gentleman was in his 70s and had lived in East Yorkshire since 1965.....almost 50 years.  I'll just leave that one with you.

The UK Government, in its wisdom, decided on a last ditch appeal to the "YES" voters.  What do you think they did?  Well, of course, they sent in the clowns, in the shape of Cameron, Cleggy and Miliband.  How to get the whole Scottish nation to vote YES in one easy lesson. F***wits!  Sorry, I have to swear sometimes.

When people hear my Scottish accent, they sometimes ask me what I think about Scottish Independence and I say to them "Quite frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."  Not my circus, not my monkeys (old Polish saying). I have lived in East Yorkshire for over 20 years and have been very happy here. I don't think I would want to move back to Scotland just because of the climate alone.  'Tis always very cold and wet in Glasgow.   I have never been into the Scottish-ness thing (I only know the first verse of Flower of Scotland - oh, shock horror!) and I hate all the "we hate the English" rabble of Scottish nationalists who have probably never been outside of Scotland, apart from their yearly holiday to Benidorm with a plane load of...well, other Scottish people.  In all the years I have lived in England, I have never ever come across any Scottish-hating English people.

So, we shall see what happens after the vote next week.  I suspect that if it is a YES vote, the conversation will go something like this:-

ALEX SALMOND: "Oh Shit, Nicola.  What the fluff do we do now?"