Roy the Builder Shakes his Pants

Today in the Printemps' household, we are past ourselves (quaint old Yorkshire saying that means we are at the end of our tethers, and then some!).  Roberto and I are exhausted with painting and decorating all weekend, and just having other people in your house constantly from  7.30 am every morning is exhausting in itself.

Today, Roy the builder went too far.  I came upstairs for the umpteenth time, having to squeeze past Big Mike, the plasterer and his son, Mini Big Mike (huge!) , who, between them, took up the entire length and breadth of our hallway,   On entering our bedroom where Roy was filling in a gap where an old window had been, I found him in the room with Roberto, my husband, and he was zipping up his jeans.   I gasped in horror and said "What the fluff are you doing, Roy?"  He replied, "I'm just shaking the rubble out of me undercrackers, Mrs P.  Ooh, you've made some more tea."  I wanted to cry.  It was just all too much. 

We called in Bob the plumber because some of his pipes had a few leaks here and there.  "It's nothing to worry about, it will all seal itself up", he said.  "Liar, liar, pants on fire", I thought.  He told us that when he was doing up his house with his girlfriend, Babs, they didn't have any hot water for two months.  Call yerself a plumber, Bob?  I told him that if I was Babs, I would have kicked his sorry ass. 

I met a retired lady I know from our village.  She told me that when she had an extension built years ago, she happened to come home one day unexpectedly and found all 13 builders and workmen playing cricket in her back garden.  Oh, the joys of building work. Doncha just love it?  Well, doncha?

I can't get the image of Roy and his undercrackers out of my head.  Think I need to lie down now.

There's a Wheelbarrow in my Kitchen

Upon my return from the supermarket shopping this morning, I was greeted by the sight of a huge wheelbarrow in my kitchen, filled up with cement.  Roy the builder was doing something building-like in my kitchen.  "Is there any tea going loove?", he asked.  I replied, "Are you lot handicapped or something?  You only have to flick a switch on the bloody kettle, you know!"  Am begining to get a bit tetchy with his building malarky, as you can guess. 

Today, I have also been subjected to the full repertoire of Roy's iphone tunes...Rawhide, the tune from the film, "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly", and more of the same.  He got fed up listening to Radio 2 and the Children in Need stuff that has been on non-stop all week.  Couldn't you just smash that Pudsey Bear's head in? (am still tetchy!).

It is relatively peaceful in the Printemps' household today.  We don't need the plumber and the two sparks until next week.  Our lovely Italian wallpaper arrived today for our bedroom and the carpets will be fitted next Thursday.  Looks like things are beginning to come together, although there is still a lot of work to do. 

Thankfully, we have not had any further ratty activity since Roberto, my husband, blocked up the 'ole that it came through to our kitchen.  It even went into my kitchen drawers from the back of the wall.  I bleached everything that was in the drawers - kitchen utensils etc.  We won't die from rat fever, but I think that bleach poisoning is a much better option. Jimmy, the spark thought I had raging OCD (I do!) because he thought I bleached the contents of my kitchen all the time. He asked me if I liked washing up so I threw a bleachy rag at his head. 

We have a busy weekend ahead - more painting and decorating.  Roberto asked me to go to Screwfix with him tonight (he knows how to show a girl  good time!).  I don't know if you have ever been to Screwfix, but I can't bear going there.  I'd rather stick pins in my eyes than go to Screwfix.  It's all pipes and bits of plastic and burly builders and plumbers.  It must be the worst shop ever created.  I only go with him sometimes to have a chat with Danielle behind the counter.  The big burly builders are mesmerized by her blacker than black false eyelashes.  They stand watching her in a daze, waiting for her to blink so the black spider legs move up and down.  It's quite funny to watch.  Anyway, think I will give it a miss tonight - I have some more bleaching to do. 

Have a good weekend, mes amis. 

Of Rats and Builders.

Today, I am horrified, just HORRIFIED!!  I came downstairs into my kitchen this morning and found that three pears in my fruit bowl had been half eaten.  Bloody mice, I thought.  Bloody builders leaving the back door wide open all day.  We found out later, to my total horror,  that it had in fact been a rat.  Not to put too fine a point on it, the droppings in the cupboard under my sink were certainly not left by Stuart Little.  I will not be able to sleep tonight.  We have put poison down so hopefully little rattypoo will eat it and die, tonight preferably. 

Twas a bit of a funny day all round today.  Roberto and I went into Hull to get some tiles for the new utility room.  Found some that we thought were the same as our kitchen tiles but when we got home, they were smaller and totally the wrong colour.  Back into Hull to change them, back home (stopping off at the bakers for some Scooby Snacks on the way).  Back out to get some cash to pay Willie the window fitter who was coming at 1pm to put the last two windows in.  Then, it was back to painting the living room for me.  Bob the plumber was upstairs doing things with pipes and Roy the builder was laying a new concrete floor,while singing Rawhide, in the hallway, trapping me in the living room.  Like I said, bit of a funny day.

Just one question, why did the rat leave the satsumas and bananas? 

Destroy it Yourself Stores and Other Musings

I don't know about you, but I hate Destroy it Yourself shops like B&Q.  Last night, Roberto (husband) and I had to go for some coving and a ceiling rose for the living room.  Our B&Q in Hull is enormous and could we heck as find the coving section.  Roberto, who is a typical man, would rather die than ask a member of staff for directions.  Well, blow-me-rags (as my late mother-in-law, Beatrice Printemps, used to say), he completely surprised me and said, "I'll just ask where it is".  He turned round to ask what he thought was a member of staff and it was one of those bloody cardboard cutouts of a human being that they have in B&Q stores.  That's it, he will NEVER ask for directions again (mainly because I laughed so much). 

We finally unleashed Bob the plumber who managed to fix the central heating by lunchtime today.  I forgot he was still in that room, tied up to the boiler with nylon rope,  and wondered why his big red Jag was still in our drive at 7.30 this morning when I looked out of the window.  He was a bit shaken up, but relatively unscathed, but after getting the central heating going and testing all the pipes, he flew out of our house like a bat out of hell.  We'll probably never see him again. 

Our friends up the road, who are farmers, also had some building work done recently.  William the famer's builders were Irish and he kept telling us that it was so embarrassing because he couldn't understand their strong accent and he was having difficulty in communicating with them.  Anyway, it got to the end of the week and he said to one of them, "I'm so sorry, I'm still having problems understanding your Irish accent".  The builder replied, "No Irish - Polish". 

On Monday the electricians will be returning.  They younger one talks just like Scooby Doo (seriously, that is the way he speaks normally).  Must remember to stock up on Scooby snacks. 

A bientot mes amis!

Musings on a House Extension chez Printemps

The Printemps household has builders in. I know..I know, worse things happen to people every day, but our house is now in total turmoil. However, I am just taking one day at a time and trying to stay calm (while silently screaming inside).

Each morning as I am crawling out of bed and staggering half asleep to the shower, the builder, Roy, arrives at around 7.30am. At 7.31am, the radio is blasting at peak volume and Roy is off. At 7.35am, the drilling, hammering, banging, F’ing and Blinding begins...and that’s just Roy. We have a plumber, two sparks and a plasterer, though, I must admit, not all at the same time usually.

The plumber, Bob, was summoned the other day to move our boiler, amongst other things. Bob has just turned 60 but still thinks he is a 35 year old stud. Unfortunately for us, Bob has the attention span of a goldfish and can’t stick at the job for very long. He announced after removing our boiler on Monday that he would be back on Thursday because he needed more parts and pipes. "Parts and pipes, my a**e", I said. We have now had several cold and damp November nights without central heating. I want to kill Bob.

Our plasterer, Mike, arrived yesterday. Mike is a big bloke, about 6 feet tall or more and built like a rugby player. During their tea break, I brought the biscuit box in and offered him one. He told me he didn’t eat biscuits because he is diabetic. Anyway, when it came to lunchtime, I asked him if he was having a break with the others and he said no because he wanted to keep going and get the job finished. "Don’t you even stop for a sandwich Mike?", I asked. He said, "No, I just keep going". This concerned me somewhat because of what Mike told me before about being diabetic. Don’t diabetics have to eat regularly to keep blood sugar levels up? I was a little bit worried that this big bloke who is built like a brick outhouse would collapse in my house before he finished the plastering job, so I made him a ham sandwich just to be on the safe side.

Everyone knows that British builders and tradesmen drink a lot of tea. Well, we nearly had a walk out one day when Bob the plumber was here for longer than his usual goldfish attention span. He came to me and said "I need to switch off the water today". I said "Bob, no water, no tea. Simples". I looked behind him and there were suddenly three sets of meerkat eyes in my vision, staring at me in horror. "Okay then", said Bob, I’ll be back on Tuesday". Look of relief on meerkat eyes. Catastrophe averted - phew!