More Duck Tales

We now know that our black duck is definitely male.  He's been chasing every female that twitches a tail feather in his direction.  I feel sorry for the poor old females because not only do they get their necks well and truly pecked until they are bald by the males, but they also get their heads ducked (get it?) under the water at the same time.  It looks a bit like waterboarding to me but I suppose it's just nature doing its thang.  I have been calling the black duck Fatty because he is fat and very greedy.  I'm going to call our white duck Petula (as in 'Don't Sleep in the Subway') now that I know she is female (baldy neck - poor wee thing).  If we do get some ducklings I'm not sure what colour they will be because our black duck has been chasing all the wild ducks and maybe even Petula.  I will keep you all posted on duckling developments. 
 



Fatty (a gauche) and Petula-la (a droite)

Petula having a wee hop and a skip


 

There is a new female wild duck on the scene, who has a drake husband, and I have instantly named them Nora Batty and Wally.  I have never heard anything like it.  Her constant quacking, which sounds as if she has a sore throat, is just like someone nagging and nagging and nagging.  She seems to be shouting at all the naughty male ducks and even Fatty gets short shrift when he tries to chase her round the pond.

 

When I'm not looking, those naughty ducks get up to all sorts.  We found out from our neighbour that they waddle over to his yard when he is feeding his chickens and pinch the corn.  Then when I come down with my bucket of corn, they look at me wide eyed and innocent and squawk about how hungry they are.


We've been chasing wild geese from our pond again this year.  Roberto goes on a wild goose chase every morning.  They are a nuisance and before you know it, there are about 100 of them on your pond.  They also go into the nearby fields and eat Mr Forrester's wheat, which makes him tear what's left of his hair out.



Noisy Nora Batty (a gauche) and her husband Wally
Stuart Little's boat is in the background.







 

 

More Unbelievable Nonsense

You are not going to believe this, chers amis.  You are just not going to Adam & Eve it.  Our local Parish Council along with the Ambulance Service have, in their wisdom, decided it would be a good idea to install a defibrillator in our local Inconvenience Store.  I had to laugh because it said on the notice we received that no training would be necessary.  I'm sorry, I don't usually swear (not much anyway!) but for fluff sake, what is that all about?

 

Imagine the scene.  The dead eyed students are behind the till, someone faints in the shop.  Dead eyed student slightly wakes up, heads for the new defibrillator, grabs the paddles and zaps the poor old dear who has passed out on the floor, not knowing that she has a pacemaker installed.  Result = one dead old lady on the floor of local shop and one stupid kid, who is still in the Xbox zone, taking a selfie beside poor old dead lady with his iphone.

 

Scenario 2: Mrs Sourpuss, who sucks lemons all day, steps over old lady and walks to staffroom to have her tea break. She'll switch the defibrillator on when she gets back because, quite frankly, she can't be a**ed and it's not exactly in her job description.

 

Scenario 3: Gladys, good old Gladys, dead slow and stop Gladys, sees the old lady fainting and shuffles over at a leisurely pace (no rush is there?).  "Hello lovey, can you hear me?" she says "Are you all right lovey?"  Gladys shuffles off to get help and doesn't return.

Scenario 4: Someone passes out on floor when the local village Numpty-Do-Gooder-Busybody just happens to be in the shop.  "Wait, just a minute.  Clear some space everybody.  I know what I'm doing here," he says, taking over. He's been watching a bit of Casualty and he knows what to do.  He grabs the paddles and shouts "stand clear" and just as he's placing the paddles on the person's chest, he/she wakes up but it's too late and said person has just been launched to the other side of the shop.

I don't know what the Ambulance Service/Parish Council are thinking of.  Personally, I think it is complete madness to let the general public loose with a defibrillator, and although they would be talked through any possible scenario by the Ambulance Service, how does anyone know it's their heart that is the problem?  Is it just me?

Council Nonsense

I don't watch the News very often but sometimes our local news, BBC Look North, is quite amusing.  There was a report recently about a Council in Lincolnshire where the councillors have been awarded a 26% pay rise. This is at a time of huge Council cutbacks, job losses, pay freezes for the workers....the whole austerity thing.  

 

Well, there was a lot of bluster and commotion about this and, of course, it wasn't the councillors' fault because an independent body had awarded them the pay rise and there was nothing they could do about it...blah blah...that same old story that we know so well.  

 

Anyway, the leader of said Council, who actually looked as if he needed the extra spondooliks (teeth missing, sticky up hair, the dragged through a hedge backwards look), informed the BBC reporter that he was refusing the pay rise.  Good for you, setting a good example for the others. 

The reporter then interviewed another old duffer councillor who voiced his very loud opinion about it being scandalous, outrageous, ridiculous in this era of austerity, council cutbacks, libraries closing..blabbity blah blah blah.  When asked if he was refusing to take the pay rise, there was an audible sharp intake of breath and a look of sheer panic on his face.  "Well...eh...ahem...yes...quite..well, I  shall have to seriously consider it." Boom Boom. You just can't make this stuff up.






 

A Bit of a do at the Hairdresser's

Every time I go to the hairdresser's there are always two little old ladies there.  Nothing strange in that, you may think, but I have never actually seen them having a hairdo.  They seem to be a permanent fixture on the sofa, sipping tea and putting the world to rights. Let's call them Mildred and Enid.

I wasn't being nosey (honestly!) but I couldn't help overhearing their conversation.  Enid is onto her third husband - 'The other two were right bathcubes,' she said.

Mildred had recently been to the doctor's and got some cream for a rash on her back. She was having difficulty stretching her creaky old bones to get the cream in the right spot so she asked her husband, Eric, to help.  Eric duly obliged and, according to Mildred, started to get a bit...and then the hairdryer was on and I was unable to hear the rest.  As soon as the hairdryer was switched off, all I heard was Mildred's voice saying, 'For fluff sake, Eric, you're 85 years old.  You're far too old for sex!'

Well, the shop went quiet and all eyes were on the two old dears on the sofa, who were now sitting cackling and laughing like a couple of old witches.  My mind hasn't boggled that much since the builders, who were doing our extension, sang a Pussycat Dolls duet.

Somerset Floods

Did anybody see Chris Eakin from the BBC during the reporting of the Somerset floods?  I think he was a bit p**d off at having been sent out in the rain with his wellies on.  You could tell from his little cross face. He was interviewing a lady whose house had been flooded since around Christmas time and he actually asked her is she would move house!!!  Dimwit.  She said, "who would buy a house that's been flooded for 5 weeks?" and looked quite upset.  If I was that lady, I would have grabbed Chris Eakin by the neck and plunged his head (and held it down) into the nearest very deep puddle.

 

On a more positive note, there are many brilliant people who are helping as much as they can in Somerset and other flooded areas. There is the lovely Ravi Singh from disaster charity, Khalsa Aid, who has worked non-stop in Somerset, travelling from Slough where he lives.  (http://news.sky.com/story/1208653/disaster-charity-khalsa-aid-helps-flood-victims), farmers from all over the country are sending animal feed to the Somerset farmers and offers of help are coming from many ordinary citizens. The politicians, meanwhile, have another COBRA meeting over tea and biscuits to discuss the next meeting and then the meeting after that.  Don't worry, I'm not getting into politics, mes amis, it's just not my thang.  

 

And another thang...thing..why hasn't there been a national fund raiser for the people who have been flooded?  Where are all the celebrities who are so quick to organise concerts for Africa and other places?  Bono, where are you? Are you organising a concert in Africa for the Somerset floods?  People in the UK are so generous when it comes to raising funds for other countries.  Now that people in our county are in trouble and some of them will need extra financial help, the celebrity world seems to have gone very quiet.

 

I am now quietly hoping that a huge wave will come over and take Kay Burley (Sky News) with it. 

 

Stay dry and keep yer wellies on.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Must be Dreaming

Great excitement!  Not sure if I've mentioned this before but Daniel Craig recently moved to East Yorkshire, near Beverley (BIG house!).  Anyway, he's been seen shopping in Beverley.  I think I would go all wibbly wobbly if I was standing in a queue beside him.  I'd have to say in my Scottish accent "I musht be dreaming!"

Hercules also lives in our area (Mark Addy), although I've never seen him in the flesh.

Anyway, Heathcliffe is just lighting the fire so I'm off to put the kettle on and dream about accidentally on purpose bumping into Daniel Craig in Cooplands' bakery.

Doris, the Diving Duck

We have a collection of ducks on our pond.  We have our two rescue ducks, who haven't got names yet because I still don't know if they are male or female.  How do you tell? We also have an assortment of very tame wild ducks.

I wanted to tell you about Doris.  She is a female wild duck and is much smaller than the rest.  At first she kept herself to herself and was a bit too shy to come close to get the food (apart from the fact that the other naughty ducks pecked her when she came close).  She is now getting used to feeding time at the pond and I was amazed the other day to see her actually diving in and swimming under the water to get the corn.  She is the only one that dives and swims under water so she is very special and clever.  

Please excuse the quality of the photos. It was freezing cold yesterday and I just took them very quickly.

Messieurs-dames, I give you Doris, the Amazing Diving Duck.   




That's Doris in the middle between the drake and the other duck's bottom.

 

 

 

Our own two tame ducks are the white and black ones