Our friend Roy has spent the last few months of his mid-life crisis trawling online dating websites for a new woman. He has signed up to dating website Desperado.com and, according to him, hundreds of women are sending him messages and are desperado to meet him.
He was heading oop North again and arranged to meet one of these ladies on the way oop and spend the day with her.
ROBERTO: "What does she look like Roy?"
ROY: "I don't know. She didn't know how to upload her photo onto the website."
ME: "Hark, what's that loud noise? Oh, it's alarm bells ringing, Roy."
Roy just laughed and said that she was a very nice lass and they had been getting to know each other by text. I believe that's the new modern fangled way of doing things these days. As it turned out, Roy had arranged to meet this woman, let's call her Daphne.
Well, Roy packs his little case into his Stuart Little red sports car and heads off to meet Daphne. He phones her when he gets to the meeting place, a supermarket car park, and she says she's on her way. Ten minutes later, a large 4 x 4 parked up beside Roy's car and Daphne disembarked. To put it politely, Daphne was a rather large lady, or in Roy's own words, "Chuffin' hell, she was the size of a chuffin' whale...AND she was wearing skin tight jeans." Roy was rooted to the spot with fear and was unable to move or run away like you would normally do if you didn't like the look of your blind date. However, being a polite, well brought up person, he kept calm and carried on.
For some strange reason Roy heard himself saying "let's go in my car." Daphne managed to squeeze herself into Roy's little car ("me flippin' suspension!!") and off they toddled to the nearest pub to get to know each other better. When they arrived at the pub Roy got out of the car and went to the other side to open the door for Daphne (what a polite boy!). Daphne couldn't move. She couldn't get out of the seat. She was well and truly stuck. Roy grabbed her chubby arms and tried to pull her. Now remember that Roy is only Stuart Little sized so this was a huge effort for him. She didn't budge. He then went back round to his driver's seat and tried to push her from the back, huffing and puffing and getting very red in the face. He shoved and pushed and shoved again but all he managed to do was to push her XXXL t-shirt up to reveal her XXXL tights halfway up her XXXXL back (tights under jeans....NOOOOOOOOO!!!). Daphne eventually managed to squeeze herself out of Roy's car and I didn't ask him about the return journey....I don't think I could have coped!
Anyway, not a successful blind date for our Roy. He was extremely traumatised by the whole event. I can't wait to hear about his next one though. I'll keep you posted, chers amis, if I can stop laughing long enough to write it all down.
A la prochaine!