Alis Grave Nil

Thursday, 18 September 2014

I Predict a Riot

Apologies in advance for any sweary words but I think they are an important part of the post and are not intended to cause offence.


ALEX SALMOND:  Whit!  They voted YES?  Jesus Christ! WTF are we going to do now Nicola? You're my right hand man, you think of something.

NICOLA STURGEON: How the fluff should I know what to do, you great fat chubber.  I've been telling the fooking media that we can keep the fooking pound.  I've said it that many times, I even convinced myself.  How do we explain to the Scottish people that we have to invent our own currency?  Their savings and pensions will become groats...or worse...Euros, for fluff sake.  
ALEX SALMOND: (head in hands).  That pillock, Cameron will turn the money taps off now and we'll be doomed.  I honestly thought they'd vote NO and we'd get more money sent up from England, like those three clowns promised.  I had planned on giving people on benefits a pay rise on the strength of that. Christ, I even had my "magnanimous in defeat" speech ready. 
ALEX SALMOND: Anyway, Nicola, we have to go out there and face the media now so stop greetin' and tidy up yer face for the cameras.
NICOLA STURGEON: I am NOT greeting Alex, I've just got something in my eye.  You sort out your own fat face.
A lackey enters the room: It's time for the Press Conference now. 
ALEX SALMOND:  Aye, we're ready. Let's go and face the Press Nicola. Happy face on now.
As they enter the Press Conference, there are loud cheers all round.  A smiling Alex Salmond and Nicola Sturgeon wave and shake hands with the supporters and eventually it quietens down, ready for the speeches. Alex Salmond shakes his jowls and begins....
ALEX SALMOND: What a magnificent day for Scotland!


  1. NICOLA STURGEON Come on my bonny lads. Let's sing our new national anthem!
    ALEX SALMOND (Pinching sexy Nicola's ass) I'll see ye right hen!
    NICOLA STURGEON Whit aboot yer missis Alex?
    ALEX SALMOND She's seventy seven hen. Ah need some younger totty noo hen!
    We're off to see the Wizard, the Wonderful Wizard of Oz
    You'll find he is a Whiz of a Wiz is ever a Wiz there was
    If ever, oh ever, a Wiz there was the Wizard of Oz is one because
    Because, because, because, because, because
    Because of the wonderful things he does
    We're off to see the wizard, the Wonderful Wizard of Oz!

  2. Good one YP. I'd be able to remember the words of that one.

  3. Eee lass, you do make me laugh! I've managed to avoid all the coverage today, which is fine because you've brought me up to date nicely :o)

    1. Glad you had a wee laugh CT. Also glad I got it wrong. Have just seen the results on the News this morning.

  4. ALEX SALMOND Oh Nicky. Get me the paracetamol will ye hen?
    NICOLA STURGEON (Yawning) Is it morning? Did I dream it? Ye telled my we'd win Alex!
    ALEX SALMOND I have to be honest ma wee bonny lassie-o - that was just a ploy to get ye in ma bed hen.
    NICOLA STURGEON Can I take this fluffin' paper bag of my heid noo Alex?
    ALEX SALMOND Naw. Leave it a while hen. I'm fancyin a bit moor hoch-magandy!
    NICOLA STURGEON What's up wi Cornflakes?

    1. God, what a thought YP! I think I'd put a bag over my heid as well. Ooooh, those big jowls, like a St Bernard dog, all slavery....Fer fluff sake!! (I mean Alex Salmond's jowls)