ALEX SALMOND: Whit! They voted YES? Jesus Christ! WTF are we going to do now Nicola? You're my right hand man, you think of something.
NICOLA STURGEON: How the fluff should I know what to do, you great fat chubber. I've been telling the fooking media that we can keep the fooking pound. I've said it that many times, I even convinced myself. How do we explain to the Scottish people that we have to invent our own currency? Their savings and pensions will become groats...or worse...Euros, for fluff sake.
ALEX SALMOND: (head in hands). That pillock, Cameron will turn the money taps off now and we'll be doomed. I honestly thought they'd vote NO and we'd get more money sent up from England, like those three clowns promised. I had planned on giving people on benefits a pay rise on the strength of that. Christ, I even had my "magnanimous in defeat" speech ready.
NICOLA STURGEON: F***wit!
ALEX SALMOND: Anyway, Nicola, we have to go out there and face the media now so stop greetin' and tidy up yer face for the cameras.
NICOLA STURGEON: I am NOT greeting Alex, I've just got something in my eye. You sort out your own fat face.
A lackey enters the room: It's time for the Press Conference now.
ALEX SALMOND: Aye, we're ready. Let's go and face the Press Nicola. Happy face on now.
As they enter the Press Conference, there are loud cheers all round. A smiling Alex Salmond and Nicola Sturgeon wave and shake hands with the supporters and eventually it quietens down, ready for the speeches. Alex Salmond shakes his jowls and begins....
ALEX SALMOND: What a magnificent day for Scotland!